I thought I was coming to grips with everything that has happened.
I thought I was getting back to "reality."
I was wrong.
I finally made some time to download all the pictures on my camera from the last few months...and as the images came up...
this is what I found...
This beautiful picture of Jess stroking Cora's hair while she slept in the PICU shortly after her first surgery.And this one...
me getting to hold Cora while she rested after a long day.And a few other pictures of Cora's last few weeks.
Then I lost it. I mean LOST IT.
I was sobbing...weeping. So much so that my husband came upstairs to see what was going on and if I was "alright."
I'm not alright.
How does one carry on after something like this? I am haunted by the grief that I have...knowing that it PALES in comparison to the grief that Jess & Joel and their families are feeling. Yes, Cora has affected hundreds of lives and the Lord's mercies are new every morning...but there is still a hole...a huge, gigantic hole in the hearts of everyone who loved Cora, especially her family.
I guess it is good to grieve... and good to cry...and good to carry on. Not move on...but carry on.
But where do you start?
I have been needing to update with pictures of Hunter for awhile now but I just haven't wanted to do it. In a way I have been feeling almost guilty...guilty that my baby is happy...healthy...and here. I know that may not make sense to some of you but it is how I have been feeling. I haven't had the heart to post pictures of our "life" because I know our dear friends are hurting deeply and grieving the loss of Cora and the "life" that they knew.
My heart aches.
And yet somehow...in all of this...I am trying to be thankful...and carry on. Thankful for the few but precious times I was able to see Cora. Thankful that Jess and Joel are relying on the Lord for their strength. Thankful that there are thousands of people praying for them and their families. And thankful for the time (however long or short it is) that I have with my wonderful husband, precious son, and loved family and friends.
I need to be there...for all of them.
After all, isn't that one of the most valuable things Cora taught us? Our time is precious. And short. And we have to make the most of it. Because we never know what tomorrow will bring.
I don't want to miss the blessings that are right in front of me...today.
I guess this is where I start.
Jess & Joel - while it probably feels like we are all moving on, please know that your sweet Cora will never be forgotten. We will always remember her and thank God for how she has touched each one of us. We will do our best to carry on so that we can be there for you and follow your example of faith, hope, and LOVE.
"Because of the Lord's GREAT LOVE we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS. "
Lamentations 3:22-23
"For God so LOVED the world that the gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16
"For great is your LOVE, reaching to the heavens; your FAITHFULLNESS reaches to the skies."
Psalm 57:10
"Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be COMFORTED."
Matthew 5:4
15 comments:
That is the most beautiful picture of Jess stroking Cora's hair. That will be a picture that Jess will treasure forever.
Your posting is very touching, written so beautifully and so very true. I don't even know you, or Jess, Joel or Cora and my heart truly breaks for them. I, too, can't help but think losing sweet little Cora is so unfair and I can't even begin to imagine the pain and sadness that Jess and Joel are feeling. You are blessed to know them personally and my life has been blessed and touched to know them and their beautiful daughter through the blog world. Please help take good care of your dear friends. I wish I could just wrap my arms around them and bring even a glimpse of peace back into their lives and hearts. That is my prayer for them every single day that God will do just that. I will never forget this dear family's tragedy or sweet baby Cora.
Take care.
I don't think I ever got to meet you. I'm a friend of Jess's here in Newton..we taught together and go to church together. I TOTALLY feel you on this post...funny, b/c the post that I did yesterday was VERY VERY similar. My son was born 5 days before Cora. I'm suppossed to be planning a big 1st bday bash...and it's SO hard. So yes, I understand the emotions. And the feelings of not knowing how to proceed with posts on my blog after all that has happened. The guilt is hard to explain and I know that we don't have to feel guilty. But sometimes emotions just come to us UNinvited. Thank you for your words, they helped me. You are exactly right...we need to carry on and be strong and learn from all of this, so that we can carry Jess and Joel for the long haul.
One other thing...we are having an event, Jewels for Cora, a Premier Designs Jewelry/Fashion night to honor Cora...all profits going to Joel and Jess. We are wanting to have a slideshow of pics playing to music as people are gathering and then shopping at the end. Rather than someone making a new one, we wondered how we could get the one used in the service? You did that, right? Can you email me at amandabalzer@cox.net
Thanks so much Laura! I know you are a huge blessing to Joel and Jess!
Hey Laura. When I read what you wrote, I just wanted to copy and paste it on my blog. I guess we're all feeling a lot like that. How do we go on with life when there is so much pain? I have been trying to figure out how to keep going while still hurting for Cora. It's hard to be away from our family through this, and I'm sure you would want to be with Jess and Joel through this too. I even got mad that the sun was out a few days ago...I just thought-doesn't it know today isn't a happy day? Your words reminded me that going on with life doesn't mean or show that I've forgotten about Cora. We're just "carrying on" and learning from Cora life and learning what God has to show us through our pain and through their legacy. I love you and am praying for you through this!
laura....
this is just said so perfectly. yesterday i broke down again. i thought i was doing good. making it through. and i am not even close with jess...like you. it is just too much for a mother. or a father. what do you do with all that? how do you go on? i worry so much for them. worry is maybe the wrong word...i guess it's grief. sadness. ache.
and like you said....my feelings PALE to what they feel.
just wanted to say hi today. and to let you know you aren't alone...many of us are feeling this way. guilty for being able to "move on" with normal stuff. scared to leave them behind.
that photo is absolutely beautiful in every way.
as i read your blog i started crying. I know-it feels like the rest of us are moving on, yet our hearts still ache. i am so saddened that as we move on with our lives, Jess & Joel will feel stuck, for lack of a better word, in one place for awhile. I can't even imagine the greif they are going through. How do they make it through when i can barely read blogs anymore? Then i remember Cora's purpose. God has such BIG plans for her short life on earth. It's not fair, but i am again reminded God is not a 'fair' God, but a 'just' God. Everything works together for his purpose. Cora is part of the glue that is piecing people's lives together. People that have been hurting & those who have needed a story like Cora's to bring them to their knees in prayer. What an AWESOME God we serve!!!!!
Thanks for writing this. I have been feeling this same way and finally posted something about my son the other day. For some reason, today has been really hard and reading your post has pretty much summed up how I'm feeling. (I'm a friend of Jess' from Newton. We used to teach together and we go to the same chuch.)
Laura,
Hi, I was just checking your blog to see how things are going? Sitting here sobbing..... I could not have said any of that better... I try not feel guilty too, but it is over whelming.... I do wake up every morning now and thank God for every precious moment I have with my friends and family.... and yet feeling guilty that something this terrible had to happen to open my eyes to it all.... Wish I could just hug Jess and Joel everyday, don't know if that would be for them or me to get through it? But I do know I think of them and you guys daily.
Take care and YES Hunter is a total DOLLY! :)
Amie Schilling
Beautifully written. You said exactly what I've been feeling, and I am a person that never met Joel, Jess and Cora but have been reading about them for the last month. It's hard not to break down in tears when you think of them and their sweet little Angel.
Their story touched my heart as it has many others.
I think of them often and say a prayer every day.
Denise
I know you don't know me, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your heart. My heart aches for Joel and Jess, and I'm thankful they have friends like you to weep with them.
Laura,
It was so nice to meet you guys the two trips you were here in Kansas. Your post has summed it up to a tee. I completely understand what you're saying and feeling. Bless you guys for being here to support Joel and Jess. I can not even begin to imagine what they're going through yet my heart feels empty. It's hard to enjoy my baby when I am constantly reminded that theirs is not here anymore and their lives have been turned upside down. I pray God's strength daily for Joel, Jess and all who have been touched by Cora personally. Blessings to you!
I'm crying into my pillow this evening. I am overwhelmed by this post and these precious images. I thank you for sharing such sacred moments and emotions. Cora will stay in my heart forever.
Hi Laura it's Katie:) Your pictures made ME cry all over again! I never met this sweet little girl, but it has touched me so much as if I have! if I feel the way I have I can't imagine what you guys must be feeling!! I totally understand about the moving on & not wanting to show your little ones pictures, but this what Jess & Joel want for you & everyone involved! They want you to continue with your lives, they understand that life must go on & they know that you won't forget their precious little girl. They want you to be thankful that you still have your whole family!! That things are good & everyone is healthy. That is what friends & family want for each other. I hope things start to look up for .:)
You said it so beautifully.
As soon as I saw that first picture, I knew immediately who it was. I'm weird about hands and can recognize more people by their hands. It's a STUNNING photo.
You are right that so many of us are feeling this way, even those not as close to her like you are.
I think it's really important for people to not pull away for fear of their own awkwardness. That's our human tendency, but it can leave those grieving feeling left even more alone.
Jess is so blessed to have you as a friend!
Thank you for your post. You know The Macs, I have never met them, but yet your words seemed like my own. I have been following their blog since Cora went into the hospital. I was a faithful reader every day, posting prayer request on my blog. You would think I was YOU and that I personal knew this family and this little girl. I have grieved as your words have said here....
I dont know why this little girl, or this story has touched be so deeply when you hear and read hundreds like them. Maybe because our little girls look similar, are one month apart in age and share the same middle names (Paige). I cry often... I have prayed so much....
I even find myself haunted by this and wake with anxiety when lying awake alone in the dark, wanting to run across the house and grab both my kids, as I lay there and cry.... knowing Jess, Joel and other parents can't ever do that again with their own.
I have questions that just eat at me with no answers....maybe you can email me and help to bring some closer to them for me?
I would love to hear from you.
mistyrice@hotmail.com
God Bless....
PS; Your son is handsome... my sons name is Hunter also.
I agree that is the place to start.... I think of that often MANY times during the day with my children. I see them differently. I admire them differently, I am thankful differently.... and I am a changed person, a better mother and so thankful for the blessings right here in front of me.
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